Post by EquinoxImpmon on Aug 19, 2007 22:09:37 GMT -5
Note: I have this posted on MySpace too, but whatever. Posting it here too.
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So I'm doing a story about a character I thought up, named Equinox. So I'm going to post a bit about him, and then what I have of the story so far. I -want- feedback. Critique.
Equinox the Raccoon:
Equinox is a lithe male Raccoon, his 5'8" form slouched slightly, his brilliant baby blue eyes always seeming to face the ground. The tattered, black pair of Chuck Taylor's Converse shoes on his feet seem slightly too big for his platigrade footpaws.
The black shirt that tightly holds to his torso has a small picture of a broken heart over where his heart is in his chest. He wears a pair of blue, acid-wash jeans on his lower half, held up by a studded belt around his waist. He also seems to have a red and black scarf wrapped around his neck, the ends of it falling over his chest to about his waist. The messy mop of hair on his head falls over his eyes, the colour being black, while red streaks through it in random spots.
Two short, gray, pointed ears jut out from the messy hair around them, twitching lightly. They have two piercings on each, all being silver studs. He has similar studs as lip piercings, often called snake bites. Seeing as though he's a raccoon, he has himself a trademark raccoon tail. This is where something is noticed toward there being something different about him. Black is usually the colour of Raccoon stripes, right? Well this guy is nearly blindingly coloured, for his stripes are the brightest of neon greens.
The equally as trademark mask around his eyes is this same neon green, as well as booties that cover his feet up to his knees (which you can't see do to his clothing), and his arms are gloved to the elbow by this colour. The rest of his fur is a dull gray colour, though it makes the green stand out nicely.
Picture (Noting this is what he looks like at age 18 and the fact this picture is just roughly coloured and sketched):
Brief insight on his past, and roughly how the story will follow through:
Equinox has had a rather dark past, his roots being in that of New York. His mother died when he was 5 years of age, cancer taking her away from the young 'coon. This left Equinox in a bad position, for he had no one to protect him from his abusive father, who loathed Equinox because he was 'different' due to his colouring. He had problems at the school he attended as well, most would call him emo, others would call him pathetic, most would just outright make fun of his colouring. The 'Coon was beat over many years of his life, leaving him in a rather large pit of depression and other related things. Eventually, after the many years of dealing with his father, he turned eighteen, making him legal age to move away from his New York home. He had finally escaped his abusive past, hoping to make a new start somewhere else, starting over like nothing ever happened. Though, despite that, he won't forget his past too easily.
Now, this is the very first part of the story. It's not very long, but there will be more for sure. Enjoy:
The busy New York streets outside a water stained window rang with the everyday lives of many civilians that inhabited the busy city. The weary eyes of a young, masked creature stood looking out upon the lifeless lights that flickered in the fading sunlight. An outbreak of rough coughing broke the youngin's baby blue stare, turning to face a sick, elderly Raccoon that was bed ridden due to an uncureable illness.
"E-.. Equinox, would you come here, please?" The young Raccoon that had been staring out the window gave a slow nod, the soft shuffling of his paws filled the room as he made his way closer to the dying Raccoon. "Now, Equinox. I want you to do just as Momma says." The small Raccoon nodded again, looking into the eyes that were almost mirror reflections of his own. "I want you to be happy, and grow up to be a good boy...Be a good boy..." The sudden silence in the room alarmed Equinox, his eyes watering, tears spilling from the corners.
"Mum? Mum!?" Several minutes of heavy sobbing had finally brought down Equinox, his five-year-old form doubled over at his mother's bedside. The wailing from upstairs had finally made the young Raccoon's father suspicious of what was happening. Powerful, rattling footsteps made the stairs creak as they were stepped upon. Equinox didn't budge, his tear stained face buried into his mother's side. Over and over he would say the same thing, asking why she had to go. The young fur's head darted up as the door to the room was brutally swung open, making a hard clatter against the wall it hit in recoil. The gruff looking, older Raccoon, seemed to have a burning hate boiling in his cold, coal-gray eyes.
"You! You, you did this! This your fault you little good for nothing welp!" His fathered snarled, as his heartless gaze looked from his late-wife, to the crying Raccoon he was ashamed to call his son. "What did you do!?" The large Raccoon bellowed, stomping over to the doubled over form of Equinox. The little one didn't make a single sound, still crying against his mother's bedsheets. His father watched him in disgust, his lip curling into a snarl as he raised his hand. "I said: WHAT DID YOU DO?!?" The old Raccoon was furious by this time, his teeth grinding as his whole body shook with hate.
Equinox barely moved from where he was laying, his quiet voice whimpering out, "N-N-Nothing! S-she-" His father's hand came down over the small 'Coon, sending him right off the bed and onto the floor. Equinox began crying again, curling into the fetal position due to the pain. The wailing coming from the youngin's form brought up a growl from his father.
"Stop your crying you lying little sack of shit! Look at you! Where is your gorgeous black stripes? Or your handsome black mask? All I see is a freak in green! You are no son of mine!" His father growled, stomping over to the balled up 'Coon. He drew back his foot, sending it forward in a merciless kick to his son's stomach, sending his already abused form into the wall below the grimy window that gave the only daylight to the room. The beating ensued like every other one that the little Raccoon had received before, his father kicking away at the helpless creature. With a final blow to Equinox's stomach, his father growled, "You are never going to be anything..." The pitiless old 'Coon stomped out of the room, leaving Equinox huddled in a pool of his own vomit and blood. The uniquely coloured Raccoon cried himself to sleep, many of his ribs broken, though not nearly as torn as his battered spirit.
____________________________________________________
So I'm doing a story about a character I thought up, named Equinox. So I'm going to post a bit about him, and then what I have of the story so far. I -want- feedback. Critique.
Equinox the Raccoon:
Equinox is a lithe male Raccoon, his 5'8" form slouched slightly, his brilliant baby blue eyes always seeming to face the ground. The tattered, black pair of Chuck Taylor's Converse shoes on his feet seem slightly too big for his platigrade footpaws.
The black shirt that tightly holds to his torso has a small picture of a broken heart over where his heart is in his chest. He wears a pair of blue, acid-wash jeans on his lower half, held up by a studded belt around his waist. He also seems to have a red and black scarf wrapped around his neck, the ends of it falling over his chest to about his waist. The messy mop of hair on his head falls over his eyes, the colour being black, while red streaks through it in random spots.
Two short, gray, pointed ears jut out from the messy hair around them, twitching lightly. They have two piercings on each, all being silver studs. He has similar studs as lip piercings, often called snake bites. Seeing as though he's a raccoon, he has himself a trademark raccoon tail. This is where something is noticed toward there being something different about him. Black is usually the colour of Raccoon stripes, right? Well this guy is nearly blindingly coloured, for his stripes are the brightest of neon greens.
The equally as trademark mask around his eyes is this same neon green, as well as booties that cover his feet up to his knees (which you can't see do to his clothing), and his arms are gloved to the elbow by this colour. The rest of his fur is a dull gray colour, though it makes the green stand out nicely.
Picture (Noting this is what he looks like at age 18 and the fact this picture is just roughly coloured and sketched):
Brief insight on his past, and roughly how the story will follow through:
Equinox has had a rather dark past, his roots being in that of New York. His mother died when he was 5 years of age, cancer taking her away from the young 'coon. This left Equinox in a bad position, for he had no one to protect him from his abusive father, who loathed Equinox because he was 'different' due to his colouring. He had problems at the school he attended as well, most would call him emo, others would call him pathetic, most would just outright make fun of his colouring. The 'Coon was beat over many years of his life, leaving him in a rather large pit of depression and other related things. Eventually, after the many years of dealing with his father, he turned eighteen, making him legal age to move away from his New York home. He had finally escaped his abusive past, hoping to make a new start somewhere else, starting over like nothing ever happened. Though, despite that, he won't forget his past too easily.
Now, this is the very first part of the story. It's not very long, but there will be more for sure. Enjoy:
The busy New York streets outside a water stained window rang with the everyday lives of many civilians that inhabited the busy city. The weary eyes of a young, masked creature stood looking out upon the lifeless lights that flickered in the fading sunlight. An outbreak of rough coughing broke the youngin's baby blue stare, turning to face a sick, elderly Raccoon that was bed ridden due to an uncureable illness.
"E-.. Equinox, would you come here, please?" The young Raccoon that had been staring out the window gave a slow nod, the soft shuffling of his paws filled the room as he made his way closer to the dying Raccoon. "Now, Equinox. I want you to do just as Momma says." The small Raccoon nodded again, looking into the eyes that were almost mirror reflections of his own. "I want you to be happy, and grow up to be a good boy...Be a good boy..." The sudden silence in the room alarmed Equinox, his eyes watering, tears spilling from the corners.
"Mum? Mum!?" Several minutes of heavy sobbing had finally brought down Equinox, his five-year-old form doubled over at his mother's bedside. The wailing from upstairs had finally made the young Raccoon's father suspicious of what was happening. Powerful, rattling footsteps made the stairs creak as they were stepped upon. Equinox didn't budge, his tear stained face buried into his mother's side. Over and over he would say the same thing, asking why she had to go. The young fur's head darted up as the door to the room was brutally swung open, making a hard clatter against the wall it hit in recoil. The gruff looking, older Raccoon, seemed to have a burning hate boiling in his cold, coal-gray eyes.
"You! You, you did this! This your fault you little good for nothing welp!" His fathered snarled, as his heartless gaze looked from his late-wife, to the crying Raccoon he was ashamed to call his son. "What did you do!?" The large Raccoon bellowed, stomping over to the doubled over form of Equinox. The little one didn't make a single sound, still crying against his mother's bedsheets. His father watched him in disgust, his lip curling into a snarl as he raised his hand. "I said: WHAT DID YOU DO?!?" The old Raccoon was furious by this time, his teeth grinding as his whole body shook with hate.
Equinox barely moved from where he was laying, his quiet voice whimpering out, "N-N-Nothing! S-she-" His father's hand came down over the small 'Coon, sending him right off the bed and onto the floor. Equinox began crying again, curling into the fetal position due to the pain. The wailing coming from the youngin's form brought up a growl from his father.
"Stop your crying you lying little sack of shit! Look at you! Where is your gorgeous black stripes? Or your handsome black mask? All I see is a freak in green! You are no son of mine!" His father growled, stomping over to the balled up 'Coon. He drew back his foot, sending it forward in a merciless kick to his son's stomach, sending his already abused form into the wall below the grimy window that gave the only daylight to the room. The beating ensued like every other one that the little Raccoon had received before, his father kicking away at the helpless creature. With a final blow to Equinox's stomach, his father growled, "You are never going to be anything..." The pitiless old 'Coon stomped out of the room, leaving Equinox huddled in a pool of his own vomit and blood. The uniquely coloured Raccoon cried himself to sleep, many of his ribs broken, though not nearly as torn as his battered spirit.